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maidenjediTITLE: I'll Feel a Whole Lot Better
AUTHOR: Maidenjedi
RATING: PG-13
CATEGORY: Buffy, slight AU, post-ep
ARCHIVE: List archives, otherwise please ask.
SPOILERS: Into the Woods, general season 5
DISCLAIMER: All hail Joss and Mutant Enemy.
SUMMARY: Buffy, the day after Riley leaves Sunnydale.
A/N: Title from the Byrds' song of the same name. Written primarily because I just watched "Into the Woods" and I was kind of lingering on the final scenes as I went to bed last night.
Also, I haven't written proper Buffy fic since 2003. Eek.
She shouted his name even after the helicopter was gone from her sight. If it was love, really messy love that Xander had tried to explain to her, then Riley would hear her. That was the way it worked.
After all, Angel always heard.
She wiped the back of her hand across her nose, because if nothing else, her crying was messy.
She fell to her knees and tried to breathe.
Why had she not known until it was too late?
--
When she got home, she fell into her bed with her clothes on, her shoes still laced. Somehow, she slept, the exhaustion taking her so quickly she didn't have a chance to cry again.
When morning came, she woke with a start, knowing immediately what was gone, what was missing. Her heart ached like it hadn't actually been beating for such a long time, and now that it remembered how it was working too hard to make up for it.
She wiped her hands over her face, yesterday's make-up greasy and smeared. She thought about getting up, washing, getting food. All of those things seemed beyond her ability.
But the Slayer's abilities exceed that of regular mortals, and if Buffy was mourning Riley's departure, the Slayer was already learning how to move on. She was up, showered, dressed and downstairs before the sun shone fully on the lawn.
--
She left a note for Dawn. It was Saturday; Dawn would sleep in and come downstairs in her pajamas looking for Froot Loops and orange juice in a couple of hours. Buffy wanted to get outside, get some air and think before she saw anyone or did anything. And she couldn't quite face Dawn yet, she thought, remembering the conversation with her mother.
She wandered for awhile, the relative safety of daylight holding her enthralled. She saw that once again, she would rely on sunshine to hold her grief at bay. She'd done this before, after all.
But she ended up outside the Magic Box, with her eyes tightly shut, part of her daring to wish that when she opened them again, it would be last night and she'd have a chance to tell Riley not to go before he even told her he might.
"Buffy?"
Giles' voice was intruding on her fantasy. She covered her ears.
His hands covered hers and he blocked the sunlight; the change brought her out of her reverie.
Tears made their way down her face, just small ones, not the huge, engulfing tears that had stained her face the night before.
"Buffy, is everything alright?"
She shook her head. "Riley left. He..."
"What do you mean, left?" Giles was confused. Buffy didn't know how much she could, or should, tell him. She shrugged.
"Gone. Helicopter, last night. It was...we...Giles...." She wasn't breaking down, not yet, but she was clearly almost there and Giles took her inside. Got her some water, made her sit down.
She composed herself; the water helped. Giles offered her tea and she knew she was feeling a little better when she made a comment about the British and their tea. It wasn't remotely funny, as evident by the fact that Giles offered a token smile and half-laugh instead of pursed lips and a fussy wipe of his glasses.
"So tell me what happened."
"Giles, don't you have to open the store?" It was 9:45, the shop was supposed to open at 10.
"I think the masses will forgive my lateness." There was no one outside. "Tell me, Buffy."
She stopped squirming, that exhaustion from the night before echoing in her bones. "We had a fight. I caught him...well. I caught him. He told me he didn't think I loved him enough, and I walked out. He also told me that the Army wanted him back and that he was going if I didn't give him a reason to stay."
Giles' eyes widened a little, both from surprise she'd told him so much and comprehension about her recent single-minded behavior.
"So, the Army..."
"Big helicopter. Riley in it, and me on the ground, yelling his name as if he could hear anything in that racket."
As if she could make herself heard across oceans, never mind the din of a helicopter.
Giles sighed and gave Buffy a scrutinizing look. She was sad, still reeling, but she was also put-together, clean, and here. On a Saturday morning, no less.
She would be fine.
"Do you want to take some time today? Go see your mother, call Willow?" He had been her Watcher, and now her friend, for a long time. He knew what she needed better than she did most days.
Buffy nodded. "Yeah. I should do those things. But first?"
Giles nodded and a small smile appeared on his face. "Of course."
He held his Slayer for awhile, letting her sob a little and sigh more, until a clock chimed 10:00 and the first customer was banging on the door to be let in.
--
She did go to see her mother, who was alternately catnapping and watching HBO in her hospital room. Dawn called the room while Buffy was there, with a message that Willow and Tara were going to take her to a movie.
"You should come, Buffy," said Willow in the background.
Buffy smiled wanly and shook her head. "No, that's alright. I have some things to do today. Dawn, I'll see you for dinner, okay?
"Okay. Can I talk to Mom again?"
Joyce reminded Dawn not to eat too many sweets and hung up, the tears in her eyes never quite spilling over. Dawn not her daughter? How was that even possible? But these things went unspoken, and Buffy hugged her. They were through talking about it.
"Mom."
"Yeah, sweetie?"
"Riley and I...we broke up."
Mothers see these things in their daughters' eyes before it's ever uttered, and Joyce had known when Buffy walked in the room. But she was not worried - the Buffy who had checked out mentally for a month after Angel's departure was no longer there, and the Buffy whose heart was a little harder, a little more guarded was there instead.
Joyce hated that her daughter had gone through both experiences.
But she also saw that it was better, for now.
"Are you okay?" She had to ask, after all.
Buffy sighed and looked up at the television, where two star-crossed lovers were taking their lives. "I think so."
--
Buffy hadn't really wanted to call Willow, who would be loyal and defend Buffy's honor to the death.
So she called Xander.
There were words for truth tellers, and Buffy should remember what they are, but she doesn't and if she were writing the stories, they'd all sound like Xander anyway.
He was alone at home, Anya was at the Magic Box, and Buffy let him know she was coming and gave no details.
When he opened the door, he looked a little scared. He was brave to a point, you see.
Buffy gave him a wry smile and asked if she could come in. He opened the door wider and she went past him to the kitchen, getting herself a soda and sitting on the counter.
"So, Buff, to what do I owe the pleasure?" Xander was wary, of course he was. When he last saw her, she'd been kind of a mess and running out the door all hell bent for leather.
"Hell bent for leather. What does that even mean?" She didn't realize she said it aloud until Xander came a little closer with his "okay, what the shit is this" face.
"Sorry, Xand. I wanted to tell you. I didn't make it. He's gone."
She left out the part about yelling at the helicopter, about how Riley didn't even look down once, about the strange walk home and her walk in the sun this morning. How the Slayer had taken over and how Buffy was just okay now, just barely okay.
Xander didn't need to hear any of it, though, because he was the kind of best friend who saw it all and could tell you more about yourself than you really wanted to know.
"Okay."
Buffy sighed and drank her soda. Xander stood with his hands in his pockets, whistling softly.
"So..."
"Yeah. I don't know how I feel about it, not yet. I was upset. I am upset. I...you told me things I don't think I agree with."
He shrugged. "Doesn't matter, Buff, you do or you don't. But this wall around you? This putting everyone at arm's length because you think you have to be alone? Doesn't fool me, or Willow. Probably not even Giles."
She thought about Giles' sad smile and the embrace in the Magic Box. "You're right about that. I'm not fooling anybody. But if Riley had stayed? I would have had to fool him into believing I needed him. That I do need someone. And that's not totally true, either, is it?"
Xander took her hand. "Maybe not. But you do have to know that before you can ask someone for it. You have to know what you want."
Buffy squeezed his hand and jumped off the counter. "So I need to figure that stuff out."
"Keep me posted." He smiled and hugged her. "I'm not going anywhere."
----
The end
AUTHOR: Maidenjedi
RATING: PG-13
CATEGORY: Buffy, slight AU, post-ep
ARCHIVE: List archives, otherwise please ask.
SPOILERS: Into the Woods, general season 5
DISCLAIMER: All hail Joss and Mutant Enemy.
SUMMARY: Buffy, the day after Riley leaves Sunnydale.
A/N: Title from the Byrds' song of the same name. Written primarily because I just watched "Into the Woods" and I was kind of lingering on the final scenes as I went to bed last night.
Also, I haven't written proper Buffy fic since 2003. Eek.
She shouted his name even after the helicopter was gone from her sight. If it was love, really messy love that Xander had tried to explain to her, then Riley would hear her. That was the way it worked.
After all, Angel always heard.
She wiped the back of her hand across her nose, because if nothing else, her crying was messy.
She fell to her knees and tried to breathe.
Why had she not known until it was too late?
--
When she got home, she fell into her bed with her clothes on, her shoes still laced. Somehow, she slept, the exhaustion taking her so quickly she didn't have a chance to cry again.
When morning came, she woke with a start, knowing immediately what was gone, what was missing. Her heart ached like it hadn't actually been beating for such a long time, and now that it remembered how it was working too hard to make up for it.
She wiped her hands over her face, yesterday's make-up greasy and smeared. She thought about getting up, washing, getting food. All of those things seemed beyond her ability.
But the Slayer's abilities exceed that of regular mortals, and if Buffy was mourning Riley's departure, the Slayer was already learning how to move on. She was up, showered, dressed and downstairs before the sun shone fully on the lawn.
--
She left a note for Dawn. It was Saturday; Dawn would sleep in and come downstairs in her pajamas looking for Froot Loops and orange juice in a couple of hours. Buffy wanted to get outside, get some air and think before she saw anyone or did anything. And she couldn't quite face Dawn yet, she thought, remembering the conversation with her mother.
She wandered for awhile, the relative safety of daylight holding her enthralled. She saw that once again, she would rely on sunshine to hold her grief at bay. She'd done this before, after all.
But she ended up outside the Magic Box, with her eyes tightly shut, part of her daring to wish that when she opened them again, it would be last night and she'd have a chance to tell Riley not to go before he even told her he might.
"Buffy?"
Giles' voice was intruding on her fantasy. She covered her ears.
His hands covered hers and he blocked the sunlight; the change brought her out of her reverie.
Tears made their way down her face, just small ones, not the huge, engulfing tears that had stained her face the night before.
"Buffy, is everything alright?"
She shook her head. "Riley left. He..."
"What do you mean, left?" Giles was confused. Buffy didn't know how much she could, or should, tell him. She shrugged.
"Gone. Helicopter, last night. It was...we...Giles...." She wasn't breaking down, not yet, but she was clearly almost there and Giles took her inside. Got her some water, made her sit down.
She composed herself; the water helped. Giles offered her tea and she knew she was feeling a little better when she made a comment about the British and their tea. It wasn't remotely funny, as evident by the fact that Giles offered a token smile and half-laugh instead of pursed lips and a fussy wipe of his glasses.
"So tell me what happened."
"Giles, don't you have to open the store?" It was 9:45, the shop was supposed to open at 10.
"I think the masses will forgive my lateness." There was no one outside. "Tell me, Buffy."
She stopped squirming, that exhaustion from the night before echoing in her bones. "We had a fight. I caught him...well. I caught him. He told me he didn't think I loved him enough, and I walked out. He also told me that the Army wanted him back and that he was going if I didn't give him a reason to stay."
Giles' eyes widened a little, both from surprise she'd told him so much and comprehension about her recent single-minded behavior.
"So, the Army..."
"Big helicopter. Riley in it, and me on the ground, yelling his name as if he could hear anything in that racket."
As if she could make herself heard across oceans, never mind the din of a helicopter.
Giles sighed and gave Buffy a scrutinizing look. She was sad, still reeling, but she was also put-together, clean, and here. On a Saturday morning, no less.
She would be fine.
"Do you want to take some time today? Go see your mother, call Willow?" He had been her Watcher, and now her friend, for a long time. He knew what she needed better than she did most days.
Buffy nodded. "Yeah. I should do those things. But first?"
Giles nodded and a small smile appeared on his face. "Of course."
He held his Slayer for awhile, letting her sob a little and sigh more, until a clock chimed 10:00 and the first customer was banging on the door to be let in.
--
She did go to see her mother, who was alternately catnapping and watching HBO in her hospital room. Dawn called the room while Buffy was there, with a message that Willow and Tara were going to take her to a movie.
"You should come, Buffy," said Willow in the background.
Buffy smiled wanly and shook her head. "No, that's alright. I have some things to do today. Dawn, I'll see you for dinner, okay?
"Okay. Can I talk to Mom again?"
Joyce reminded Dawn not to eat too many sweets and hung up, the tears in her eyes never quite spilling over. Dawn not her daughter? How was that even possible? But these things went unspoken, and Buffy hugged her. They were through talking about it.
"Mom."
"Yeah, sweetie?"
"Riley and I...we broke up."
Mothers see these things in their daughters' eyes before it's ever uttered, and Joyce had known when Buffy walked in the room. But she was not worried - the Buffy who had checked out mentally for a month after Angel's departure was no longer there, and the Buffy whose heart was a little harder, a little more guarded was there instead.
Joyce hated that her daughter had gone through both experiences.
But she also saw that it was better, for now.
"Are you okay?" She had to ask, after all.
Buffy sighed and looked up at the television, where two star-crossed lovers were taking their lives. "I think so."
--
Buffy hadn't really wanted to call Willow, who would be loyal and defend Buffy's honor to the death.
So she called Xander.
There were words for truth tellers, and Buffy should remember what they are, but she doesn't and if she were writing the stories, they'd all sound like Xander anyway.
He was alone at home, Anya was at the Magic Box, and Buffy let him know she was coming and gave no details.
When he opened the door, he looked a little scared. He was brave to a point, you see.
Buffy gave him a wry smile and asked if she could come in. He opened the door wider and she went past him to the kitchen, getting herself a soda and sitting on the counter.
"So, Buff, to what do I owe the pleasure?" Xander was wary, of course he was. When he last saw her, she'd been kind of a mess and running out the door all hell bent for leather.
"Hell bent for leather. What does that even mean?" She didn't realize she said it aloud until Xander came a little closer with his "okay, what the shit is this" face.
"Sorry, Xand. I wanted to tell you. I didn't make it. He's gone."
She left out the part about yelling at the helicopter, about how Riley didn't even look down once, about the strange walk home and her walk in the sun this morning. How the Slayer had taken over and how Buffy was just okay now, just barely okay.
Xander didn't need to hear any of it, though, because he was the kind of best friend who saw it all and could tell you more about yourself than you really wanted to know.
"Okay."
Buffy sighed and drank her soda. Xander stood with his hands in his pockets, whistling softly.
"So..."
"Yeah. I don't know how I feel about it, not yet. I was upset. I am upset. I...you told me things I don't think I agree with."
He shrugged. "Doesn't matter, Buff, you do or you don't. But this wall around you? This putting everyone at arm's length because you think you have to be alone? Doesn't fool me, or Willow. Probably not even Giles."
She thought about Giles' sad smile and the embrace in the Magic Box. "You're right about that. I'm not fooling anybody. But if Riley had stayed? I would have had to fool him into believing I needed him. That I do need someone. And that's not totally true, either, is it?"
Xander took her hand. "Maybe not. But you do have to know that before you can ask someone for it. You have to know what you want."
Buffy squeezed his hand and jumped off the counter. "So I need to figure that stuff out."
"Keep me posted." He smiled and hugged her. "I'm not going anywhere."
----
The end
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Date: 2008-10-08 02:13 am (UTC)(( massive hugs ))
I enjoyed your fanfic. =)